Overcoming Lack of Confidence

I was at a networking event recently and made a very interesting observation.  Many of the individuals there only stayed in their small groups and very seldom spoke to anyone outside of it. I thought this was funny as this was an event that encouraged individuals to get to know new people, but I could understand the crux of it.  Many years ago, when I began the networking scene, I remember always feeling uncomfortable going up to new people whom I didn't know and trying to engage in some type of conversation.  I wasn't exactly sure why this was the case but I eventually came to the realization that it was because of a lack of confidence.  It has been said that as many of 85% of the population has experienced lack of confidence for some reason in their lives. Often, this lack of confidence is unfounded on anything substantial and can easily be overcome with a paradigm shift of how one thinks about him/herself and one's abilities. Other times, there may be something there that absolutely needs to be addressed first to allow this person to truly feel confident in all situations.  Either way, here are three tips that can help you overcome your lack of confidence demon for good.

ACKNOWLEDGE THIS IS THE CASE AND IT IS A PROBLEM
This is usually the step that most people never make.  Many people will say to themselves that they are shy or "just don't know what to do/say in certain situations" which is great because they recognize that this is true.  The connection that most people don't make, however, is to acknowledge that THIS IS A PROBLEM. They feel because many people perhaps feels this way, that they are normal and shouldn't worry about it.  In a sense, they are very right.  However, to have the opportunity to life a life of fulfillment, excitement, and success, having a handicap such as this can be very crippling.  How many awesome people may you have missed out on in your life because you were too afraid to speak to them?  How many opportunities to share great ideas at work and get subsequent praise/acknowledgement for them have you let slipped through your fingers because you were too afraid to speak up at a meeting?  We often don't think of what we are losing out in on life by NOT taking action, but it is often way more than that which we lose by taking action.  The first step is realizing that this feeling does hold us back from success and we have to fight it if we truly desire to achieve what we want in life.

IDENTIFY THE REASON(S) BEHIND IT
This is a very important point because, as I alluded to in the introduction to this week's writing, there are generally two reasons for a lack of confidence.  There is a psychological reason that affects all of us from time to time in which we just don't feel that we are good enough for whatever reason.  This could be driven from some experience in your past in which you were made to feel less than equal to others.  It could be from a rough childhood in which you may have been teased or picked on as a kid.  This is often a difficult one to combat, but it can be overcome with consistent positives affirmations in which you tell yourself the past does not apply to today.  It's very easy to let something that occurred to us when we were 5 affect how we react in a situation when we are 35, and the only way to prevent this is to continually fight those psychological barriers that try to stay with us for so long.  The other side of the coin is that their are actual deficiencies that we possess that make us feel less than confident in certain situations.  We may be overweight and think the opposite sex isn't attracted to us. We may not be as eloquent in front of others and are afraid to share our ideas because we may appear unintelligent.  These causes for lack of confidence need to be identified as well and then you have to work to fix them.  There is truth to the fact that being overweight can cause you to appear less attractive to the opposite sex. You CAN overcome this with a psychological paradigm shift, but the more lasting and healthier way to overcome this is to get your butt in the gym and start exercising and eating right.  You can be bold and share your ideas in any way you feel natural or you can work to improve your vocabulary and presentation skills through continuous reading and by joining organizations such as Toastmasters.  Fix the reason for the lack of confidence and you will have a much better chance of it going AND staying away.

SLOWLY, SYSTEMATICALLY DECREASE THE EFFECTS OF IT
The adage, "Rome wasn't built in a day" is perfect for the mentality you must take to attack this situation.  For many of us, we have had low confidence issues for years and have just ignored it or not acknowledged it was a problem.  It would be silly to think we could overcome something that has plagued us for decades in three weeks.  To really be able to have a lasting improvement in our life in this area, we must development a systematic plan that we will follow to make incremental improvements in the areas in which we lack confidence.  If we have a fear of talking to the opposite sex, we have to consistently push ourselves to be uncomfortable and start conversations when presented.  If we get nervous when speaking in front of crowds, we could join an organization like Toastmasters that will help us improve in this area.  If we have a psychological confidence problem, we should consistently affirm all the positive attributes we have and push ourselves to step outside of our comfort zone to do those things that we know of which we have the ability.

Understand, there will be times in which you will fumble, make mistakes, and get shot down. It's okay.  It's part of the process.  Tony Hawk, famous X-gamer, fell down hundreds of times before he was able to do some of the most amazing things you've ever seen anyone do on a skateboard/bike.  By falling down sometimes, you are are able to learn how to do it better the next time. With time, you'll be surprised how much better you will become if you stay committed to pushing yourself to overcome your fears to have the chance to experience the world for all it has to offer.

Ken Middleton is an Account Executive at TEKsystems that specializes in IT staffing and services. He is a graduate of UNC-Pembroke and current MBA student at Scheller College of Business at Georgia Tech.

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