Most Common Mistakes Made When Searching for a Spouse.

That special someone. It seems like everyone is always searching for that person who will "complete" them to make their lives better.  Whether they are at networking events, social gatherings with friends, or even their job, they are always keeping an eye out for that person who can finally end that seemingly perpetual search for that person who "gets them."  While as human beings, we are not built to be by ourselves forever, many people are looking so hard for someone else, they fall into major traps that could end up haunting them for a life time.  These traps tend to be different for different age brackets, however, and must be recognized to be prevented.

THEY FIND SOMEONE TOO EARLY IN THEIR LIVES (25 and younger)
Many people meet someone in high school or college, date for a respectable number of years, and then get married immediately following.  It seems like the fairy tale ending, but, unfortunately, this often does not turn out that way.  We've all heard of the couples who are "just married for the kids" or get divorced as soon as the kids are off to college.  These marriages are often a direct result of this endeavor.  The reason these marriages don't work out is because of one simple reason: CHANGE.  I would question anyone who is the same person at the age of 22 that they are at 32.  Hopefully, over time, our taste change, our persona changes, and our desires change.  Why then, do so many people think they should make the decision of who they should spend the rest of their lives with at such a young age - while they are still growing and discovering themselves?  By waiting, individuals will allow themselves the ability to truly see what the world has to offer by traveling and taking part in different social circles.  As one progresses in her/her career, the types of individuals with which one interacts should change dramatically.  Giving oneself the chance to truly explore what is out there and know what works and doesn't work will greatly increase the chances of someone truly knowing who is the right person for them.

THEY SETTLE (25-34)
This happens more than many people will probably admit.  One most often sees this happen with people who are in that "tweener" age. They don't feel like an old person, but don't feel like they are a club type anymore.  At that age, many feel that they are "grown up" and should be in a serious relationship that is working towards marriage.  Many of their friends will be getting married around this time and the repetitive tuxedo and dress fittings (along with persistent questioning of their mom) will only keep bringing up the question of when will be their time.  While they may care for their current partner, and the thought of spending the rest of their lives with that person seems very doable, there are often some thoughts in the back of their mind of "little things" that they wished they didn't do.  However, they chalk it up to the sacrifices of love and figure time will work it out.  BIG MISTAKE.

The problem with this is that often, after they are married, things don't get better.  The individual may feel that you are married now, so "it is what it is" and doesn't make any more attempts to improve.   You lose any leverage you may have had while dating by getting married, so there is no true impetus for the person to work on themselves.  You've bought the car now, so you can't go back to the dealership to renegotiate the terms.

If there are things about the person you are dating that gives you reason to pause, don't move forward.  Often people want to make someone the love of their life, not because that person naturally is, but because they are in that great "tweener' age.  However, when we were dating  in high school, we knew unless they were absolutely perfect,  we weren't going to settle since we had so much more time to choose.  However, when we reach a certain age, we feel that time's running out and we should take that leap regardless how many red flags we may see with the current person we're with. The average life expectancy is close to 80 years old (78.2 to be exact).  That's a long time to put up with something you could have prevented in the first place.

THEY DON'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME ON IMPROVING THEMSELVES (35+)
This mistake is most commonly made by individuals who have been divorced.  Most of these people come from the group that made the first mistake of the under 25 crowd by getting married too early.  They get a divorce and feel shocked for some time of why their marriage didn't work out.  Many may have lived for more years with their partner than without and truly have a problem of creating an identity on their own.  They feel "lost" without someone else in their lives and often look to engage in a new relationship with the first person who makes them feel special.  The problem with this, however, is that often the person does not take enough time to truly reflect on who they are and what they desire for the rest of their life.  They don't take advantage of the large volume of time being single provides someone to work on making themselves the best person they can be without the outside pressure of having to please anyone else.  These people often jump right back into a relationship because they think it automatically has to better. Unfortunately, this just isn't the case.  While the divorce rate of first time marriages is high at 41%, it is nothing compared to the 2nd and 3rd marriage divorce rates (60% and 73% respectively).  If people would work on improving themselves and finding who they are first, they may even realize that marriage just isn't for them - something that's becoming more and more common these days.


Marriage is tough.  I would argue that it is the most difficult thing that anyone will ever do in their entire life. Make sure to prevent making one of the mistakes above to increase the chances you will have a successful one.

Ken Middleton is an Account Executive at TEKsystems that specializes in IT staffing and sales. He is a graduate of UNC-Pembroke and current MBA student at Scheller College of Business at Georgia Tech.

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